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EspañolWhat is spiritual abuse?
Spiritual abuse happens when someone uses spiritual or religious practices and beliefs to manipulate, control, demean, or isolate another person. Like all forms of abuse, it is a way for the abusive person to seek power over the victim. It may also be called religious abuse, and it can happen in any religion, belief system, or spiritual practice.
What does spiritual abuse look like?
Spiritual abuse can happen in a community, like when a faith leader uses his/her position to exploit followers. For example, you may hear of scandals involving religious leaders who:
- commit sexual abuse;
- steal money from donations; and
- punish or push out community members who question their authority.1
It can also happen in close relationships, like with a partner, family member, ex, or caretaker. S/he might:
- force you to take part in religious rituals or worship;
- tell you how to dress or act based on religion, without giving you a choice;
- threaten to kick you out of your community if you don’t follow his/her beliefs or do what s/he says.1
In relationships where there is domestic violence, spiritual abuse might look like:
- making fun of your faith or making you feel guilty about it;
- stopping you from practicing your religion or from going to religious services or events;
- using your beliefs to control your actions, saying things like “God will punish you if…”;
- forcing you to raise your children in a religion you don’t agree with;
- quoting religious texts to excuse his/her abuse, saying things like “My faith says I can do this”; or
- saying you will lose your community if you leave the relationship.2
Safe Havens Interfaith Partnership Against Domestic Violence and Elder Abuse created a tool called the Spiritual and Religious Abuse Power and Control Wheel, which shows how people can misuse scripture, traditions, and cultural norms to control others.
1 This information was adapted from the 1800RESPECT, Spiritual Abuse page
2 See the National Domestic Violence Hotline, What is Spiritual Abuse page
How can spiritual abuse make it hard to leave an abusive relationship?
When an abusive partner uses your beliefs to keep you in the relationship or make you feel like leaving is wrong, it can be harder to get out. For example:
- You might believe, or be told, that divorce is not allowed and that you must keep the marriage and family together no matter what;
- Your spouse and other community members may pressure or counsel you to stay in the relationship;
- You may have been raised to think it’s your job to prevent abuse;
- You may believe, or be told, that it’s wrong to report abuse to the police or others outside of your community;
- You might worry about how your children will be treated; or
- You might fear losing your family, friends, or spiritual home.1
Spiritual abuse can also hurt your self-esteem. If someone keeps telling you you’re worthless or that bad things will happen if you leave, you might start to believe them. Even when the abuser isn’t around, you might still feel afraid of him/her and the power s/he has.1
1 This information was adapted from the Australian Government, Australian Institute of Family Studies, Understanding spiritual and religious abuse in the context of intimate partner violence
What can I do if I think I am experiencing spiritual abuse?
If something feels wrong, trust yourself. An abuser might use spiritual abuse along with other forms of abuse, such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, or reproductive coercion. Learning the signs can help you stay safer.
Check out our About Abuse page to read about the signs of abuse, risk factors, and different forms of abuse. You can also visit our Safety Planning page for tips on how to stay safe while you’re still with the abuser, if you’re planning to leave, and after you have left.
For many victims of abuse, getting support can make a difference. However, your faith may shape how you ask for help and who you talk to. You may prefer to turn to a religious leader or community member you trust for guidance and support instead of reaching out to a domestic violence agency.
For many people, faith is an important source of strength and resilience. You may find peace in prayer, meditation, reading sacred texts, or other spiritual practices that help you cope. You might want to explore your faith in your own way, or even find new meaning in it.
Others may choose to step away from religion and find support and healing elsewhere, and that’s okay, too.
Many religious and spiritual communities are growing in their understanding of intimate partner violence. Some faith leaders now speak out against abuse and partner with domestic violence agencies to help survivors. Safe Havens provides resources to help faith leaders and communities raise awareness and be supportive of members who may be going through domestic violence, including spiritual abuse. However, please consider that not all faith leaders are on this path.
There are national and local organizations that help victims and survivors from different religious communities and traditions. Some are listed on Safe Haven’s Get Help page and VAWnet’s Faith, Spirituality, Religion, and Domestic Violence page. You might even find a shelter that is faith-based or can accommodate religious survivors’ needs if that is important to you.
If you prefer to speak with a domestic violence advocate outside your faith community, you can always contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or go to our Advocates and Shelters page to find help near you.
Note: WomensLaw is not affiliated with and cannot vouch for the programs, services, or information provided by the above-mentioned websites and organizations.
