Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional abuse, like all forms of domestic violence, is about the abuser keeping power and control over the victim. It involves things the abuser says or does to scare you, control you, hurt your feelings, or cut you off from others. It often includes verbal abuse, like yelling at you, insulting you, calling you names, or threatening you or someone you love.

Emotional abuse may not involve physical harm, but it can still cause serious damage. Over time, it can change how you think about yourself. It can hurt your self-esteem and make you feel dependent on the abuser.

Examples of emotional abuse include:

• putting you down or criticizing you;
• calling you names like “stupid,” “disgusting,” or “worthless;”
• trying to confuse you or make you feel like you’re going crazy;
• acting like s/he is better than you;
• saying abuse is your fault or pretending it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t so bad;
• the abuser threatening to hurt himself/herself, you, your pet, or someone you love;
• breaking your things on purpose;
• keeping you away from family and friends;
• controlling what you do, where you go, or who you talk to;
• being very jealous or accusing you of cheating; and
• checking up on you constantly.

You can learn more about different forms of emotional abuse in our Forms of Emotional and Psychological Abuse section.

You may have heard the terms “narcissism” or “narcissistic abuse” in the news, on social media, or elsewhere. People sometimes use these words to describe someone who is selfish and doesn’t care about others’ feelings. However, narcissism is actually a mental health condition called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Not everyone who is abusive has NPD, and not everyone with NPD abuses his/her partner.

Some signs of NPD, like needing constant praise, thinking s/he deserves special treatment, or being very jealous, can look like emotional abuse. However, there are differences. Those with NPD often treat many people badly, especially if they want something from them. In contrast, an abuser may act kind to others but use emotional abuse to control just one person: his/her partner. In addition, an abuser may choose to be abusive at some times but not others. For example, s/he may treat his/her partner one way in private and differently when other people are around.

It can be hard to tell the difference between someone who is a narcissist and someone who is a domestic abuser. But you don’t have to figure it out alone. A domestic violence advocate or therapist can help you think things through. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that no matter whether or not your partner has a mental health issue, you do not have to accept his/her abusive behavior.¹

¹ This information is adapted from The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s articles about Narcissism and Abuse, Narcissism vs. Abuse, and Commonly Used Terms When Discussing Domestic Violence.

Relationships exist on a spectrum from healthy to abusive, with differing levels of unhealthy relationships in between.¹ Sometimes, it can be hard to tell when a partner’s behavior has crossed the line into abuse.

Emotional abuse can be tricky to spot, but here are some warning signs to watch for. Your partner may be emotionally and psychologically abusive if s/he:

• embarrasses or humiliates you in front of others;
• gets angry in ways that scare you;
• rages out of control with you but acts calm around others;
• says things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;”
• makes decisions for you, like what to wear or eat;
• acts very jealous or accuses you of cheating;
• puts you down or insults you;
• calls you names like “crazy” or “stupid;”
• says that no one else would want or love you;
• ignores you or gives you the silent treatment;
• drives dangerously to scare you;
• demands your phone or social media passwords, tracks your location, or shows other signs of tech abuse;
• blames others instead of taking responsibility for his/her actions;
• pretends not to understand you to make you feel stupid;
• refuses to listen to your thoughts or opinions;
• denies things that happened or twists your memory of events; or
• acts like your feelings or needs don’t matter or are less important than his/hers.²

Another red flag that could lead to emotional abuse is something called “love bombing.” This is when someone gives too much attention, affection, or praise to try to manipulate you. It usually happens early in a relationship, when you first start dating or getting to know someone. The person may seem overly romantic or loving, but it could actually be a way to control you. If your partner is moving fast or being “too good to be true,” it may not be as sweet as it seems.

Some signs of love bombing include:

• pushing the relationship forward too fast;
• flattering you constantly;
• always wanting to know where you are;
• calling, emailing, or texting you nonstop and getting mad if you don’t answer right away;
• trying to take up all your time;
• getting jealous if you spend time with other people;
• asking you to quit school, your job, or your hobbies;
• giving you expensive or over-the-top gifts, then saying you “owe” him/her;
• saying “I love you” very early on;
• talking about being “official,” getting married, or moving in right away; or
• not respecting your boundaries.³

If something feels wrong, trust yourself. Abuse often gets worse over time. Recognizing the signs early can help you stay safe. It can also help you set boundaries, communicate what you want, get support, or end the relationship if that’s what you choose.⁴ 

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s article about healthy relationships and Love is Respect’s article about the relationship spectrum
² See U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page
³ See The National DV Hotline’s Signs of Love Bombing page, Cleveland Clinic’s article on What is Love Bombing?, and Futures Without Violence’s Is it Love or Love Bombing? Guide
⁴ Adapted from the sections about navigating relationships and identifying red flags on UNC Charlotte’s Center for Wellness Promotion website