Emotional abuse, like all forms of domestic violence, is about the abuser keeping power and control over the victim. It involves things the abuser says or does to scare you, control you, hurt your feelings, or cut you off from others. It often includes verbal abuse, like yelling at you, insulting you, calling you names, or threatening you or someone you love.

Emotional abuse may not involve physical harm, but it can still cause serious damage. Over time, it can change how you think about yourself. It can hurt your self-esteem and make you feel dependent on the abuser.

Examples of emotional abuse include:

• putting you down or criticizing you;
• calling you names like “stupid,” “disgusting,” or “worthless;”
• trying to confuse you or make you feel like you’re going crazy;
• acting like s/he is better than you;
• saying abuse is your fault or pretending it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t so bad;
• the abuser threatening to hurt himself/herself, you, your pet, or someone you love;
• breaking your things on purpose;
• keeping you away from family and friends;
• controlling what you do, where you go, or who you talk to;
• being very jealous or accusing you of cheating; and
• checking up on you constantly.

You can learn more about different forms of emotional abuse in our Forms of Emotional and Psychological Abuse section.

You may have heard the terms “narcissism” or “narcissistic abuse” in the news, on social media, or elsewhere. People sometimes use these words to describe someone who is selfish and doesn’t care about others’ feelings. However, narcissism is actually a mental health condition called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Not everyone who is abusive has NPD, and not everyone with NPD abuses his/her partner.

Some signs of NPD, like needing constant praise, thinking s/he deserves special treatment, or being very jealous, can look like emotional abuse. However, there are differences. Those with NPD often treat many people badly, especially if they want something from them. In contrast, an abuser may act kind to others but use emotional abuse to control just one person: his/her partner. In addition, an abuser may choose to be abusive at some times but not others. For example, s/he may treat his/her partner one way in private and differently when other people are around.

It can be hard to tell the difference between someone who is a narcissist and someone who is a domestic abuser. But you don’t have to figure it out alone. A domestic violence advocate or therapist can help you think things through. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that no matter whether or not your partner has a mental health issue, you do not have to accept his/her abusive behavior.¹

¹ This information is adapted from The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s articles about Narcissism and Abuse, Narcissism vs. Abuse, and Commonly Used Terms When Discussing Domestic Violence.

Relationships exist on a spectrum from healthy to abusive, with differing levels of unhealthy relationships in between.¹ Sometimes, it can be hard to tell when a partner’s behavior has crossed the line into abuse.

Emotional abuse can be tricky to spot, but here are some warning signs to watch for. Your partner may be emotionally and psychologically abusive if s/he:

• embarrasses or humiliates you in front of others;
• gets angry in ways that scare you;
• rages out of control with you but acts calm around others;
• says things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;”
• makes decisions for you, like what to wear or eat;
• acts very jealous or accuses you of cheating;
• puts you down or insults you;
• calls you names like “crazy” or “stupid;”
• says that no one else would want or love you;
• ignores you or gives you the silent treatment;
• drives dangerously to scare you;
• demands your phone or social media passwords, tracks your location, or shows other signs of tech abuse;
• blames others instead of taking responsibility for his/her actions;
• pretends not to understand you to make you feel stupid;
• refuses to listen to your thoughts or opinions;
• denies things that happened or twists your memory of events; or
• acts like your feelings or needs don’t matter or are less important than his/hers.²

Another red flag that could lead to emotional abuse is something called “love bombing.” This is when someone gives too much attention, affection, or praise to try to manipulate you. It usually happens early in a relationship, when you first start dating or getting to know someone. The person may seem overly romantic or loving, but it could actually be a way to control you. If your partner is moving fast or being “too good to be true,” it may not be as sweet as it seems.

Some signs of love bombing include:

• pushing the relationship forward too fast;
• flattering you constantly;
• always wanting to know where you are;
• calling, emailing, or texting you nonstop and getting mad if you don’t answer right away;
• trying to take up all your time;
• getting jealous if you spend time with other people;
• asking you to quit school, your job, or your hobbies;
• giving you expensive or over-the-top gifts, then saying you “owe” him/her;
• saying “I love you” very early on;
• talking about being “official,” getting married, or moving in right away; or
• not respecting your boundaries.³

If something feels wrong, trust yourself. Abuse often gets worse over time. Recognizing the signs early can help you stay safe. It can also help you set boundaries, communicate what you want, get support, or end the relationship if that’s what you choose.⁴ 

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s article about healthy relationships and Love is Respect’s article about the relationship spectrum
² See U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page
³ See The National DV Hotline’s Signs of Love Bombing page, Cleveland Clinic’s article on What is Love Bombing?, and Futures Without Violence’s Is it Love or Love Bombing? Guide
⁴ Adapted from the sections about navigating relationships and identifying red flags on UNC Charlotte’s Center for Wellness Promotion website

Coercive control is a pattern of acts and behaviors that an abuser uses to take away your freedom and to control your life. The abuser may use fear, pressure, shame, or rules to wear you down and take over your choices.¹ Sometimes, the abuser may also use physical violence, sexual abuse, or other forms of domestic violence as part of coercive control.   

Some examples of coercive control are when the abuser:

• tracks or monitors you, which could be through the use of technology;
• controls your money, puts you on an allowance, or uses other forms of financial abuse;
• makes you depend on him/her for things you need like food, money, and housing;
• tells you what you can or can’t wear, or how you can or cannot style your hair and makeup;
• makes rules you have to follow;
• expects you to “check in” and report to him/her;
• controls your reproductive choices;
• keeps you away from your family and friends;
• threatens to harm or kill you or people you care about;
• threatens to share your private information publicly or to share intimate images of you without your consent;
• destroys your property;
• purposely upsets you or tries to make you lose your temper;
• calls you names and talks down to you; or
• pressures you to do things you don’t want to do or that feel unsafe.¹

These actions are about gaining power, not about showing love or concern. Even if the abuser is not using physical or sexual abuse as part of the pattern of coercive control, it is still a serious form of abuse.

¹ BWJP’s Coercive Control Codification Matrix
² See DVSJA’s Coercive Control Guide and BWJP’s Coercive Control Codification Matrix

One way an abuser can gain control is by cutting you off from the people who care about you. This is called isolation. Over time, this can make you feel like the abuser is the only person you can turn to.

Here are some ways an abuser might try to isolate you:

• stopping you from seeing or talking to your family or friends;
• making you feel guilty when you do spend time with others;
• wanting to know where you are at all times and expecting constant updates;
• refusing to let you use a car or putting up other barriers so you cannot leave the home;
• acting jealous when you spend time with other people, so much that you may stop seeing them just to avoid a fight;
• making you ask for permission before you go places or do things;¹
• not giving you a key to the house;
• refusing to give you money, taking away your money or credit cards, or using other forms of financial abuse;
• not letting you work or not allowing you put your child in daycare, which prevents you from working; or
• refusing to let you learn English or stopping you from otherwise pursuing an education.

Isolation can happen slowly, and you might not notice it at first. Over time, though, it can take away your support system and make it harder to get help.

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, What is Emotional Abuse page

Sometimes, an abusive partner or ex may say things like, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” or “If you don’t do what I say, I’ll hurt myself.” These are very serious threats—and they are also a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

The abuser is trying to make you feel guilty or scared so you’ll stay in the relationship or do what s/he wants. These sorts of threats of self-harm play off of your love or concern for the abuser as a way to control you.

If this is happening, here are some things to keep in mind:

• You can care about the abuser’s well-being without doing everything s/he says;
• You are not responsible for his/her actions, even if the abuser chooses to harm himself/herself;
• If s/he says, “If you loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” that’s emotional manipulation;¹ and
• If the abuser has or can get a gun, that increases the risk that s/he will kill or seriously injure himself/herself or you.²

It’s wise to take threats of self-harm seriously, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to the abuser’s control. You can reach out for help from a counselor, advocate, or crisis center to make a safety plan for yourself. For help anytime, day or night, you can call a 24/7 hotline like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, When Your Partner Threatens Suicide page
² See Everytown for Gun Safety’s stats about domestic violence and suicide

Sometimes, an abuser may hurt you by going through other people (third parties) instead of doing it directly. This can take different forms and involve different people. An abuser might:

• threaten or harass your friends or family;
• spread lies or rumors about you to people you care about or to others in your circle in order to ruin your reputation;
• try to hurt your job by showing up at your work or contacting your boss or coworkers; 
• post your private or personal information online to get others to attack, harass, stalk, or sexually assault you, which is known as “doxing;”
• call emergency services to send police or an emergency response team to your home in order to scare or annoy you, which is known as “swatting;” or
• make false reports against you to Child Protective Services (CPS), a licensing board, the police, or the courts.

Some people call abuse using others or abuse using children “domestic violence by proxy,”  “abuse by proxy,” or “narcissistic abuse.” These terms seem to be getting more popular, but they are not widely used or studied in research about domestic violence.

No matter what it’s called, this behavior is harmful, and it’s not your fault. An advocate can help you make a safety plan and explore your legal options.

Emotional and psychological abuse is real and damaging, but the law doesn’t always recognize it unless the abuse includes things like harassment, stalking, or threats. Advocates and other domestic violence professionals understand how harmful emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse can be. However, the legal system often has a more limited definition of abuse. This can make it harder to get help from the police or to get a restraining order based only on emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse.

Reporting emotional and psychological abuse to the police

Usually, you can’t report “emotional abuse” or “psychological abuse” on its own to the police. However, depending on what’s happening and how your state defines the crimes, these abusive behaviors may count as other crimes. For example, certain emotionally or psychologically abusive actions might be considered crimes like harassment, stalking, sharing (disseminating) private sexual photos, criminal mischief or destruction of property, threats, or public disturbances. To see how your state defines common crimes, go to our Crimes page and pick your state from the drop-down menu.

Getting a restraining order for emotional and psychological abuse

It’s often hard to get a restraining order when the abuse is all emotional, verbal, and psychological. Usually, “emotional abuse” is not listed as one of the acts of abuse that can qualify you for a restraining order. However, how you describe the abuse matters. If you frame what’s happening in terms of specific actions that match your state’s legal definition of abuse, you may have a better chance of qualifying for an order.

For example, instead of saying “He’s emotionally abusive” or “She’s verbally abusive,” try to describe the specific things the person has done or said. For example:

• repeatedly texting or calling you for no good reason or when you asked him/her not to;
• threatening you;
• following you or tracking your location;
• destroying your property or ripping up your documents;
• stopping you from calling for help or leaving your home; or
• forcing (coercing) you to do things you don’t want to do.

Some states specifically allow restraining orders for coercive control, a form of emotional and psychological abuse. To see what your state allows, go to the Restraining Orders page and pick your state from the drop-down menu. The first question in that section will explain your state’s legal definition of domestic violence for the purposes of qualifying for a restraining order. You can also check the Battered Women’s Justice Center’s chart to see which states have coercive control laws; it was last updated in 2024.

If you’re not sure you qualify for a restraining order or if you want help describing the abuse in a way that fits your state’s legal definition, you may want to talk with a lawyer. To find free and low-cost legal help, visit our Finding a Lawyer page. Or you can choose to file for a restraining order and let the judge decide if you qualify or not. 

Even if emotional and psychological abuse isn’t always against the law, that doesn’t make it okay. No one deserves to be treated this way, and you don’t have to accept it. A domestic violence advocate can offer you support, work with you on a safety plan, and connect you with resources. To learn more about getting help, go to Where can I get help for emotional and psychological abuse?