Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Sometimes, an abusive partner or ex may say things like, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” or “If you don’t do what I say, I’ll hurt myself.” These are very serious threats—and they are also a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

The abuser is trying to make you feel guilty or scared so you’ll stay in the relationship or do what s/he wants. These sorts of threats of self-harm play off of your love or concern for the abuser as a way to control you.

If this is happening, here are some things to keep in mind:

• You can care about the abuser’s well-being without doing everything s/he says;
• You are not responsible for his/her actions, even if the abuser chooses to harm himself/herself;
• If s/he says, “If you loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” that’s emotional manipulation;¹ and
• If the abuser has or can get a gun, that increases the risk that s/he will kill or seriously injure himself/herself or you.²

It’s wise to take threats of self-harm seriously, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to the abuser’s control. You can reach out for help from a counselor, advocate, or crisis center to make a safety plan for yourself. For help anytime, day or night, you can call a 24/7 hotline like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, When Your Partner Threatens Suicide page
² See Everytown for Gun Safety’s stats about domestic violence and suicide