Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Relationships exist on a spectrum from healthy to abusive, with differing levels of unhealthy relationships in between.¹ Sometimes, it can be hard to tell when a partner’s behavior has crossed the line into abuse.

Emotional abuse can be tricky to spot, but here are some warning signs to watch for. Your partner may be emotionally and psychologically abusive if s/he:

• embarrasses or humiliates you in front of others;
• gets angry in ways that scare you;
• rages out of control with you but acts calm around others;
• says things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;”
• makes decisions for you, like what to wear or eat;
• acts very jealous or accuses you of cheating;
• puts you down or insults you;
• calls you names like “crazy” or “stupid;”
• says that no one else would want or love you;
• ignores you or gives you the silent treatment;
• drives dangerously to scare you;
• demands your phone or social media passwords, tracks your location, or shows other signs of tech abuse;
• blames others instead of taking responsibility for his/her actions;
• pretends not to understand you to make you feel stupid;
• refuses to listen to your thoughts or opinions;
• denies things that happened or twists your memory of events; or
• acts like your feelings or needs don’t matter or are less important than his/hers.²

Another red flag that could lead to emotional abuse is something called “love bombing.” This is when someone gives too much attention, affection, or praise to try to manipulate you. It usually happens early in a relationship, when you first start dating or getting to know someone. The person may seem overly romantic or loving, but it could actually be a way to control you. If your partner is moving fast or being “too good to be true,” it may not be as sweet as it seems.

Some signs of love bombing include:

• pushing the relationship forward too fast;
• flattering you constantly;
• always wanting to know where you are;
• calling, emailing, or texting you nonstop and getting mad if you don’t answer right away;
• trying to take up all your time;
• getting jealous if you spend time with other people;
• asking you to quit school, your job, or your hobbies;
• giving you expensive or over-the-top gifts, then saying you “owe” him/her;
• saying “I love you” very early on;
• talking about being “official,” getting married, or moving in right away; or
• not respecting your boundaries.³

If something feels wrong, trust yourself. Abuse often gets worse over time. Recognizing the signs early can help you stay safe. It can also help you set boundaries, communicate what you want, get support, or end the relationship if that’s what you choose.⁴ 

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s article about healthy relationships and Love is Respect’s article about the relationship spectrum
² See U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page
³ See The National DV Hotline’s Signs of Love Bombing page, Cleveland Clinic’s article on What is Love Bombing?, and Futures Without Violence’s Is it Love or Love Bombing? Guide
⁴ Adapted from the sections about navigating relationships and identifying red flags on UNC Charlotte’s Center for Wellness Promotion website