Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Coercive control is a pattern of acts and behaviors that an abuser uses to take away your freedom and to control your life. The abuser may use fear, pressure, shame, or rules to wear you down and take over your choices.¹ Sometimes, the abuser may also use physical violence, sexual abuse, or other forms of domestic violence as part of coercive control.   

Some examples of coercive control are when the abuser:

• tracks or monitors you, which could be through the use of technology;
• controls your money, puts you on an allowance, or uses other forms of financial abuse;
• makes you depend on him/her for things you need like food, money, and housing;
• tells you what you can or can’t wear, or how you can or cannot style your hair and makeup;
• makes rules you have to follow;
• expects you to “check in” and report to him/her;
• controls your reproductive choices;
• keeps you away from your family and friends;
• threatens to harm or kill you or people you care about;
• threatens to share your private information publicly or to share intimate images of you without your consent;
• destroys your property;
• purposely upsets you or tries to make you lose your temper;
• calls you names and talks down to you; or
• pressures you to do things you don’t want to do or that feel unsafe.¹

These actions are about gaining power, not about showing love or concern. Even if the abuser is not using physical or sexual abuse as part of the pattern of coercive control, it is still a serious form of abuse.

¹ BWJP’s Coercive Control Codification Matrix
² See DVSJA’s Coercive Control Guide and BWJP’s Coercive Control Codification Matrix

One way an abuser can gain control is by cutting you off from the people who care about you. This is called isolation. Over time, this can make you feel like the abuser is the only person you can turn to.

Here are some ways an abuser might try to isolate you:

• stopping you from seeing or talking to your family or friends;
• making you feel guilty when you do spend time with others;
• wanting to know where you are at all times and expecting constant updates;
• refusing to let you use a car or putting up other barriers so you cannot leave the home;
• acting jealous when you spend time with other people, so much that you may stop seeing them just to avoid a fight;
• making you ask for permission before you go places or do things;¹
• not giving you a key to the house;
• refusing to give you money, taking away your money or credit cards, or using other forms of financial abuse;
• not letting you work or not allowing you put your child in daycare, which prevents you from working; or
• refusing to let you learn English or stopping you from otherwise pursuing an education.

Isolation can happen slowly, and you might not notice it at first. Over time, though, it can take away your support system and make it harder to get help.

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, What is Emotional Abuse page

Sometimes, an abusive partner or ex may say things like, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” or “If you don’t do what I say, I’ll hurt myself.” These are very serious threats—and they are also a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

The abuser is trying to make you feel guilty or scared so you’ll stay in the relationship or do what s/he wants. These sorts of threats of self-harm play off of your love or concern for the abuser as a way to control you.

If this is happening, here are some things to keep in mind:

• You can care about the abuser’s well-being without doing everything s/he says;
• You are not responsible for his/her actions, even if the abuser chooses to harm himself/herself;
• If s/he says, “If you loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” that’s emotional manipulation;¹ and
• If the abuser has or can get a gun, that increases the risk that s/he will kill or seriously injure himself/herself or you.²

It’s wise to take threats of self-harm seriously, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to the abuser’s control. You can reach out for help from a counselor, advocate, or crisis center to make a safety plan for yourself. For help anytime, day or night, you can call a 24/7 hotline like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

¹ See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, When Your Partner Threatens Suicide page
² See Everytown for Gun Safety’s stats about domestic violence and suicide

Sometimes, an abuser may hurt you by going through other people (third parties) instead of doing it directly. This can take different forms and involve different people. An abuser might:

• threaten or harass your friends or family;
• spread lies or rumors about you to people you care about or to others in your circle in order to ruin your reputation;
• try to hurt your job by showing up at your work or contacting your boss or coworkers; 
• post your private or personal information online to get others to attack, harass, stalk, or sexually assault you, which is known as “doxing;”
• call emergency services to send police or an emergency response team to your home in order to scare or annoy you, which is known as “swatting;” or
• make false reports against you to Child Protective Services (CPS), a licensing board, the police, or the courts.

Some people call abuse using others or abuse using children “domestic violence by proxy,”  “abuse by proxy,” or “narcissistic abuse.” These terms seem to be getting more popular, but they are not widely used or studied in research about domestic violence.

No matter what it’s called, this behavior is harmful, and it’s not your fault. An advocate can help you make a safety plan and explore your legal options.